Say What?

“It is completely unimportant. That is why it is so interesting.”— Agatha Christie, The Murder of Roger Ackroyd.

“Rated PG-13 for intense depiction of bad weather.” —Twister video box, Warner Home Video, 1996.

“Disney picks up School Slut” —headline, The Toronto Sun Showbiz section, July 15, 1997.

Kevin Bacon on sex: “Any idiot can get laid when they’re famous. That’s easy. It’s getting laid when you’re not famous that takes some talent.” —The Globe and Mail, November 8, 1996.

“It’s like sex,” he said, “once you’ve tried it you can’t stop. It grows on you.” —quote in “Demystifying the home computer” by Doug Payne, Flare magazine, November, 1982.

“In relational environments, enhanced relational processing optimizes proprietary SQL dialects for their target RDNMS without intervention. New translation capabilities support RDBMS dialects to support vendor’s enhancements of their own engines.” —Brochure for “EDA/SQL Release 3” from Information Builders, Inc.

“Dogs sniff anything that vaguely reminds them of another dog.” —Xaviera Hollander, Penthouse, September, 1980.

“Nipples were not allowed on television by Ontario censors, despite the fact that almost all Canadian actors, whether from Quebec or not, have nipples.” —Laura Lind’s REELLife column, eye weekly, Feb. 16, 1995.

“Missing foreskin rubs many men the wrong way” —headline, NOW Magazine, Sept. 22-28, 1994.

“Judge Jackson said he felt Fraser was putting up a front and said ‘you fellows have certain urges the ordinary person can not understand but sometimes with a little effort the urges can be controlled.’ ”—“Indecent exposure trial held,” The Intelligencer, Belleville, Ontario, Date unknown.

“ ‘Hey Bob,’ she calls brightly to a passing colleague. ‘Come here! We need a penis.’ ” —“Moses’ women,” by Sarah Hampson, Toronto Life, June, 1994.

“September 16: Nine fish in trap. Trailer installed.” —The Diary of a Salmon Weir, 1971.

“A girl runs along the beach on ABC, her breasts bouncing like white balloons in the twilight.” —“Television Discovers Sex!,” by Aljean Harmetz, TV Guide, May 6, 1978.

“It’s cool! It’s groovy! It’s got penguins! And wibbly bits!” —Pete Scathe in the alt.gothic newsgroup, replying to “kat in the hat”about “Re: flying cat”.

“We’re all idiots, you know. I just have a more crystal-clear vision of my own idiocy.” —Adrian of Toronto in “City States: Photo Buff,” by Gary Michael Dault, Toronto Life, May, 1991.

“Sex in outer space. And Mexico. That should satisfy all.”
“Government officials don’t know anything about sex in space.” —Alan Fotheringham’s column, Maclean’s, December 11, 1995.

“If you can do it in the back seat of a 1957 Chevy, you can do it anywhere.” —Patricia Santy in Alan Fotheringham’s column, Maclean’s, December 11, 1995.

“We don’t want to kill their dreams. We just want their dreams to be realistic.” —Nova Scotia Advisory Council on the Status of Women Executive-director Debi Forsyth-Smith in “Study targets unrealistic goals of young women,” The Chronicle-Herald/The Mail-Star, Halifax, Nova Scotia, July 2, 1988.

“After the much heralded Nova Scotia lobster was photographically splattered all over Vancouver newspapers, Mr. Costain decided he would bring her back.” —“Loretta the lobster back in the swim,” The Mail-Star, Halifax, Nova Scotia, July 2, 1988.

“NORWOOD—This neighborhood, says a Peterborough paper, was the scene of an elopement last week. The parties went through Peterborough on their tour southward. They may have a jollification, but not much fun in it.” —“Town and Vicinity,” The Daily Intelligencer, Belleville, Ontario, October 6, 1876 [Yes, 1876!].

“Man may have evolved from the trees, but his eyes still swing from limb to limb” —Roger Moore as Simon Templar, The Saint, date unknown.

“Computers are tools” —Helen (?) in text accompanying pictorial, Oui, November, 1977.

“Retired telephone executive George Truett Bush of Decatur, Ga., a quail hunter, finds a bird in the bush.” —photo caption, “Where’s George?” Life, January, 1989.

“Perhaps it was something about the way that both dummy and I looked that made him ask: ‘Could I have made it?’ ” —Omar Sharif’s Play Bridge column, The Sunday Express, October 5, 1980.

“If I had the feelings of a woman, I would certainly fall in love with you—will you wait?” —quote in “Book Review: Abram and Sarai,” by Maynard Good Stoddard, The Saturday Evening Post, July/August, 1981.

“ ‘You know, baby,’ sighs the narcissis, ‘when I’m with you, I really enjoy myself,’ ” —quote in “Play’s the Thing” by Ellis Weiner, Spy, August, 1987.

“It defies description, but let’s try anyway: a lava lamp you can drink. A chewable liquid, akin to tapioca. Or this more visceral, if repulsive, assessment: fruit-flavored phlegm in a bottle” —story on the launch of Orbitz drinks by Clearly Canadian, The Intelligencer, Belleville, Ontario, October 13, 1996.

“All satin triangles untie to reveal your precious treasures.” —description for Playsuit #92098, Frederick’s of Hollywood catalog.

“Herbal tea is hot” —Jim Balmer, marketing manager for Tetley Canada Inc., The Toronto Star Business, November 4, 1996.

“MUNCHKIN MANIA. Healthy, playful, loving TICA kittens out of tested adults. Most colors ready to melt your heart. Family raised. Will ship. Call MICHELE at [phone deleted].” —Breeder Directory ad, catFancy magazine, December, 1996.

“Anyone who thinks male breasts and female breasts are the same thing is not living in the real world.” —Ontario Court Judge Bruce Payne, Maclean’s, January 27, 1992.

“Yogurt defence beats drug charges” —headline, The Globe and Mail, November 6, 1996.

“If it had gone through a horse, it wouldn’t be quite so harsh.” —My mother, talking about my father’s homemade wine, March 2, 1996.

“Sometimes it’s hard to be a nudist.” —“Naked with a vengeance”, Maclean’s, August 23, 1993.

“I am totally into Canada and I plan to visit your totally awesome town.” —a valley girl named Ana, “Toronto was OK, but the king and queen were out,” Toronto magazine, October, 1989.

“Lawsuits cut off penis doc” —headline, The Toronto Sun, February 8, 1996.

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